Zen My Soul

I am being carried

When I first started this Zen My Soul blog, I really never imagined that I would talk about my Christian beliefs so much. Apparently God had other ideas. And isn't it funny that I named my blog with a Buddhist moniker (Zen), and yet, I keep coming here to talk about the amazing ways that God keeps blessing my life.

Last Saturday, I did something that I really have never done: I laid my burdens into the hands of God. Why had I never done that before? The answer is simple, but multi-layered. I have tried to be strong. I have tried to do everything on my own. I didn't want to bother Him, when there are so many other people who are dealing with issues much worse than my own, and I felt that my issues were too trivial to bother him. I wanted him to deal with the people who had cancer, and the loss of a loved one, and addictions, and infertility, and whatever else, but I would deal with my stuff. I felt too small for God to care.

But last Saturday, I asked for His help. Isn't that sometimes the hardest thing to do, to ask for help? I got down on my knees and asked for help for so many things that had been weighing on my mind that I had been trying to manage myself. And the most miraculous thing happened…some of my burdens have been lifted.

In today's world of logic and reason, it is so hard to give your cares to God. I know – I have resisted, over and over again. Over and over and over. But this week has shown me the power of turning it over to the Great Healer. He does have a plan for my life, and if I give him my worries and then let go, He will take over. Each time a miracle was shown to me, I simply said, "Thank you Lord"…because I knew where it came from. There was no doubt to me.

Just yesterday, the friend that I thought I had lost forever reached out to me. I never thought that she would be the first to reach out, never! And if you recall, I let it go – and I let God. And when I saw her text message last night, I knew it was His plan that she and I should continue our friendship and work things out.

If you are dealing with difficult things, try letting God handle it – you might be surprised…just like I was.

"And it's a great day to be alive, I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes...there's some hard times in the neighborhood, but why can't everyday be just this good?" Travis Tritt

I hope you all are having a great Sunday. Today is turning out to be a great day so far. The weekend has been relaxing...and I needed it. J & O and I went to Walmart yesterday and I decided to buy two weeks worth of groceries to try to avoid that hassle next week...so now I have a full refrigerator and a full pantry. And my heart just gets so full and happy whenever that happens!

I've also got dinner already cooking for tonight, cooked squash on the stove and a roasted chicken in the oven. The house is somewhat quiet, just the sound of the dryer going and me tapping on the keyboard. And the good smells are coming over to me from the kitchen.

This afternoon I will be with my family as we celebrate my nephew's 9th birthday. My nephew Collin is ALL BOY, and I can't wait to see his face when he gets his go-kart...he will be so excited.

I've gotten to play around on my computer today, looking on some of my favorite blogs...just passing the time in my favorite way. Reading and learning and enjoying my quiet time.

I hope you are enjoying your weekend too. As Travis Tritt further said, "Why can't every day be just this good?"

The Monkey Within

I got really sad reading about how Janet Jackson felt about herself as she was growing up, and as an adult.  Sad, but yet the feelings were familiar.  For Janet Jackson, as well as Paula Abdul, Jessica Simpson, Demi Lavato, Candice Cameron, and many more actresses in Hollywood, they have been dealing with their weight as a "monkey on their back". 

Where most of us would look at these women (who are probably a size 6 or less) and think they are gorgeous & thin, Hollywood and the media professes them to be fat.  And so the focus becomes not on their God-given talent but on the size of their ass.  Trust me - if you are a girl with the least little bit of junk in the trunk, YOU KNOW IT - you don't need your truth splashed across the Star Magazine to make you realize it.

I have dealt with a weight issue since I was about 18 years old.  To sum it up, it sucks.  It is all consuming at times.  I know my self-worth is not defined by the number on the scale, I am beyond that thinking, but at this point I have to lose weight because it is a health issue.  The doctors are saying that if I lose weight I will feel better.  Can you imagine how devastated I feel to connect the dots to what they are saying:  that I put myself in this pain because of my weight? 

But yet losing weight is the one goal I cannot seem to obtain.  It is just unreachable...and THAT is what brings me down.  I earned two degrees while working full time.  I have a wonderful husband and daughter and I work my tail off at my job over 40+ hours a week.  But DO NOT ask me to stay away from the chocolate or you will be missing a hand! 

I'm sure that Janet, Paula, Jessica, and the others are in my same sisterhood:  we eat when we are stressed.  Whether it is good stress, like being out with friends, or bad stress, like having a bad day at work, we all turn to food.  For me, it is the one area of my life where I let things go.  I give my self a break and my perfectionism just fades away...

So I'm open for suggestions from blogland about how to deal with this - and I'm sure other people need help with it too.  For the celebrities listed above, they may look thin, but they are still fighting the monkey within.

Be Sweet Today – To Yourself

Happy Valentine's Day! I have to confess – this has always been my favorite holiday! Now that my daughter is a July 4^th baby, well I love July 4^th too, but there's something about a day set aside just for love that gets to a true romantic like myself!

It is so easy to show others how much we love them…in fact; Valentine's Day is a billion dollar business. But why do we have such a hard time being sweet to ourselves? Let me give you an example:

I have fibromyalgia. It is a proven fact that one of the best modalities for improving symptoms of fibromyalgia is massage, and my sweetie husband bought me a gift certificate to Massage Envy here in town. I went, and I felt fantastic afterwards. It truly has helped more than any pill or treatment that I have tried, so I decided to purchase a membership. In fact, my sweetie could see such a difference in how I feel that he has encouraged me to get a massage weekly. But every time I go I feel guilty! Why is that? I am doing something that medically improves how I feel, yet for me there is some sort of stigma attached to massage that makes me feel that I am over pampering myself.

I'm sure that there is something in your life that you really want to do, but you are holding yourself back because you feel that you don't deserve it.

Or maybe there's a timeless Coach purse that you adore but you feel it's too indulgent. I'm not saying buy 12 of them, but if one purse is your heart's desire, it is probably OK.

Life is too short to put off EVERYTHING that we want to do. Of course we can't go hog-wild, but we have to enjoy life and not feel guilty! My dear friend Danny Rose worked hard all his life, retired and then got really sick. He died shortly after his retirement…so he never got to enjoy life without work, without deadlines. I think about him so much, and I know that I want to enjoy my life!

Don't hold yourself back from enjoying life – whether it's a cup of Starbucks or a manicure – or just stop that negative self-talk that you have started! Whatever it is that you need to do to be sweet to yourself today, and tomorrow – just do it!

You definitely deserve it.

Own your story

"It's where I learned about living and where I learned about love...where I learned about working hard & having a little was just enough...down in the boondocks" -- Little Big Town

A large part of my youth, from the time I was 9 on, was spent down at my grandma's farm in Floyd County, VA. we call it "The Farm" but there's no livestock or crops. Anyways, if you've never been to Floyd County, it definitely qualifies as "the boondocks".

Picture this, here we are, my brother and me, moved down to Floyd County - population 11,234 - from Fairfax County which is probably the most densely populated county in Virginia. The closest grocery store to my grandma's house was 20 miles away! To my little brother's dismay, the closest McDonalds was 30 miles away! Needless to say, we were strangers in a strange land.

We moved to the farm because my parents were having marital problems, so my mom was essentially a single mom when we moved down there. Money was tight...really tight. My mom got a job in the local sewing factory, because that's pretty much the only place to work down there.

I had two pair of jeans to wear to school, so my grandma taught me the concept of "school clothes" and "play clothes". Even today when I get home from work I take off my good clothes and put on my t-shirt and sweatpants.

I had one pair of shoes for school. We bought them at the Family Dollar (located next to the closest grocery store) and they were pink and gray with a slight heel on the sole. Now being that I was 9 years old, I grew out of those shoes pretty fast, but I wore them for the longest time, months, because we didn't have the money to buy me a new pair.

Even though money was tight, I look back at that time in my life as the happiest times of my childhood. I felt at peace and at home. As a family we spent a lot of time together. My mom's brothers would come over. I spent a lot of time with my cousins. We would hop in the car and go visit my grandma's sisters in West Virginia. We went to a small country church that had 30 people on a good Sunday. We all shared one TV and one bathroom and a lot of laughter and love.

The things that I went through then have made me a better person today. I know I can survive with one pair of shoes and two pairs of jeans. The things most of us think we HAVE to have are really just nice extras that we have in our lives.

What we really need is an authentic soul. Know where you came from. Own your story. It is ok and it's part of your journey. My favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you..."

Your story, however winding and shadowy, is part of the plan. Own it, look for the lessons, and give us the best YOU! Because there is only one of you out there!!

What's your magic number?

Each of us have a number--that age, that birthday looming ahead in the distant or maybe not-too-distant future that fills us with a sense of dread.

My friend B reminded me about this yesterday. Her birthday is coming up and this bday is one of THOSE that I just described. For me, the first time I had a "bad number birthday" was when I turned 26.

Turning 26 was difficult for me for a number of reasons. First. I can clearly remember sitting in high school thinking that 25 was OLD...so turning 26 was old + 1!

Also, at 26 I hadn't accomplished all of the goals that my Type-A personality had laid out in my neat timeline of my life (which was drafted back when I thought 25 was old)...so by my personal standards I was halfway a failure. Husband...check. House...check. Management level job...negative!! Motherhood...negative.

So, at the age of 26 I felt like a failure. Celebrating with my husband & friends at a mexican restaurant, all I wanted to do was cry instead of celebrate because I felt so off track with my life goals.

With God's grace, things turned around and I was blessed with motherhood and a fantastic job within the next three years.

The next time I had a difficult birthday was just this last year, when I turned 35. My perspective was completely different. As I've already mentioned, my best friend Keith died in 2010 from colon cancer. Keith and I were born the same year and for some reason it always held a special significance to me that we were the same age...foreshadowing I guess. He turned 35 in April & I turned 35 in June. Because he was Stage IV when he was diagnosed in 2009 and getting worse by the week, I knew that this would be the last birthday when we would be the same age. So turning 35 was difficult because I would be turning 36 without Keith there paving the way a few months prior.

Never again will I regret turning any age. Keith's illness & death gave me such a different outlook on life, and I know for sure that he is watching out for us from above...I'll explain more in a future post. But for now, consider this:

"tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and wonderful life?" -- mary silver

Do me just one favor--embrace every single day.

 

La Dolce Vita

The sweet life – what is it to you?

No matter what type of "eternal optimist" you may brand yourself to be, every single one of us is going to have a bad day, at least once in a while. Maybe things don't go right at work, or you get bad news about a friend, or you have a bad hair day. Or as a boss of mine used to say, you have a "Turd Day"…however you want to classify it, we all have those days…those grumpy, gloomy days when the dark cloud follows us around all day long and seems to rain on our parade.

The question then is: what do you do about it?

Do you sit there and dwell on it? Do you take the Eeyore philosophy? You know Eeyore, right? The hapless donkey from Winnie the Pooh, who basically can tear down any compliment with a criticism? Eeyore believes that his life is doomed, so any good thing must be followed by a bad thing. And if you ask him about something negative going on in his life, you are likely to hear, "Oh well, nothing new to me."

Don't be an Eeyore.

Before you have a bad day, plan for your sweet life. And what do I mean by that? Make a plan for a few sweet things that you LOVE that you can fall back on when you have an Eeyore day or just an Eeyore moment. Everyone has their own thing…a favorite pair of pajamas that they love to crawl into; a Starbucks cup of coffee, a song that takes you back to the best days of your life. Whatever…just know what your thing or things are. And have that list ready for when life hits you hard…because eventually it will.

For me, my sweet life list goes something like this:

1 – A long hot bath

2 – Sweet tea (although I indulge this love just about daily)

3 – Online decorating blogs

4 – Lindt chocolates in the red wrappers

5 – my iPhone Kindle app

6 – my favorite pair of comfy clothes

7 – singing loudly to any song I love

Go make your sweet life list now – next time you have a bad day, your dark cloud will dissipate faster, and you will thank me!!

Letting go of a good thing

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together" – Marilyn Monroe

I have a friendship that is falling apart. Not just any friendship…it's my relationship with my best friend. The details aren't all that important, but over the last six months I have tried many different ways of saving what we had. Through talks and texts, prayer and tears, nothing has worked. The reality is that our lives are just not compatible anymore.

Instead of leaving the relationship with any more hurt feelings than I already have, I am letting her go.

Sometimes, the decision to let something go, be it a friendship, a dream, or a favorite piece of clothing can be so traumatic. We wear them so well, right? In my particular case, my friend was my forever friend. You know the one I'm talking about right? The one that you picture yourself with as an old woman, sipping coffee in retirement and telling each other about the husband's ear hairs?? This was my friend who I knew every little thing about (or so I thought) and who knew me. She was like my sister. And then, in the last six months, it just all went haywire. Nothing fit anymore. She started doing things that I didn't understand, and suddenly, it was clear that I didn't want to be part of her world. I couldn't be part of her world.

As much as I tried to understand her, the most important thing was that I understand myself. I have a husband and a child that I have to look out for. And I have my own soul that needs tending. So I'm letting her go to be the SHE that she wants to be, and I'm going to be the ME that I am without her.

So who is that exactly? Well, I'm not quite sure. Luckily, the universe knew that this day would come several years in advance because I am lucky enough to already have another terrific friend who I love dearly and who has patiently listened to me whine about the death of this friendship.

I'm also going to spend some time doing things that I have been wanting to do, but instead I have been pouring my energies into trying to save this friendship.

Maybe you have a situation in your life that needs to be evaluated – and maybe it's time to just let it go. Letting go can be scary, and exhausting. And it can also be very rewarding for your soul. Try it and you might be surprised.

Some Things Have No Reason

One of the hardest things to accept is that some of the things that happen in life simply have no reason.  As Christians, I often hear fellow Christians say things like, "This is God's plan" or something along those lines.  But the fact is that we live in a fallen world, and because of that, the devil gets his due.  And sometimes, I believe this means that people we love will get hurt, and we will get hurt, for no reason at all.  Thanks a lotAdam & Eve.

Let me give you two examples.

My best friend Casey's niece was stillborn on Monday.  By all accounts, this should have been a viable pregnancy.  When the baby was delivered, she was well over 4 lbs. instead of the 2 pounds most babies would be at this stage of the gestation period.  And as Casey and I cried together on the phone Sunday night, I told her to be prepared for what our fellow Christians were going to say to her.  I told her that someone, although well meaning, was going to say that maybe there was something wrong with the baby so God took it away.  Or that this was God's plan, like I mentioned above.  And Casey clearly said to me, "I don't see God in this...I see the Devil".  I couldn't agree more...because I believe in a welcoming and loving God, not one that would purposely make that family suffer.

On a similar note, my best friend Keith was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer last July.  He died August 9th at the age of 35 leaving behind two young children, a broken grieving family, and a slew of friends like myself who just don't know how to put the pieces of our lives back together again.  For me, Keith was like a brother...but that's probably a different post.  Anyways...I heard all the same things that I mentioned to Casey, and I just couldn't buy those sentiments.  I mean why did Keith have to get cancer in the first place; why does anyone?

The answer to me is quite simple: Some things have no reason.  Some things are not of God's doing, but the Devil's, and we have to recognize them and not blame God, but accept that we can't have it our way all the time.  It would be great if we could, and we can't stop praying for miracles but we don't always get them.  It's just the way of our fallen world.

Acceptance is less painful than push back

In October of 2009, I fell down a flight of steps head first at work. And from that point forward, my entire world changed. I entered the world of worker's compensation, myofascial pain, and other nasty things I don't want to soil my zen blog with. But suffice it to say that when you are being treated under a worker's compensation claim, even when there is a video of you falling headfirst down a full flight of steps, you are always always treated like you are faking.

My body has not fully recovered in the 16 months since the fall. I have been to many doctors and been on many medications. I have rested and I have exercised. I have lost 45 pounds, which I desperately needed to anyways. I have been tested, poked, and proded. But because my pain could not be seen, it was perceived as not being real. My family has been a blessing, and my husband took over so many household duties to help me heal.

Last week, something miraculous took place though. Two miraculous things really. First, I accepted that my life might always be this way. Not that I might not enjoy life ever again, but I realized that I had to make peace with the way things are vs. constantly fighting for the way I wanted them to be. In fact, I wrote this quote: "Sometimes the best dream is waking up to the awesome reality that you already have."

Also last week, a medical doctor told me that I did indeed have a treatable condition to deal with in my back, and then…my back stopped hurting so much. Now tomorrow the unbearable pain may return, or this reprieve may be longer lasting than that…but ever how long it lasts has been a true blessing to my soul because it has reminded me what it feels like to be healthy again after 16 months of sickness.

In my mind, at least, I got well because of acceptance. I accepted my illness (I also have fibromyalgia), and I got the weight of the world "off my back"…I quit having to prove to doctors that I truly was in pain. FINALLY, a doctor believed me. And once that struggle was over, the pain dissipated. Once the pain of being called a liar and a cheat was gone, and the tension left my body, my body healed itself, if only for a little while. Now I am not naïve enough about my conditions to believe that I will never have another flair up, but what I do know is this: acceptance is definitely less painful than push back, at least when it comes to chronic, life-changing health issues.